i dreamt of you

This morning, I dreamt of you. Funny how you commented last night, and then you liked it agn, which is always a surprise because I sometimes feel that you never do for your other friends. Which led me to this dream I guess. As usual I can't remember the details, but I do remember you telling me how you felt, but others didn't know and so we kept it secret. During one of our outings, I had my pretty friend with me and you didn't really bother, you just came to me and stood so close to me its as if we were a couple so in love, but we didn't want to be so public. And boy I remember you looking hot..like real hot! But I couldn't show admiration, fear of others knowing. haha! I can remember that you and I wanted to spend time together, just be with each other and you wanted to getaway but I was afraid of the permission not granted, and well you just said what if we promise getting separate rooms and I remembered feeling deeply inside that I didn't want to because I just wanted to be with you and know how it feels to be cuddled next to you during the night. I knew it but I was so afraid to say it, for fear you thought me a crazy bitch but in fact, I really do love you, always have always will. Will this be real someday?

Unofficial Second?

Well, nothing says it best like the title that seems to explain all.

It all started today when you said you were going to be late, and after much thought, it was better that you didn't come, after all, what good does that do for you to come to something that held no meaning, when we did not bother listening as well. And besides, if you came, it was the only thing that you were coming for which not only wastes your time, but rather a well, oh, you get it don't you? Then you sprung on me an impromptu message, one where I was more than delighted to obliged. After all, this was one of the few things that sparks and helps bond us closer together isn't it? But to state the obvious, I could not make it too apparent, and therefore had to pretend that it was weird that you suggest the two of us. So what you said was that we would call others, and the only one you actually bothered to ask in the end was my best friend. In the end, it can be said that you did it actually did not bother you that we were the only two going out, when in fact it was a problem for you the last time when you wanted to go out with another. It feels special that you and I have this unspoken agreement that we happen to love each other's company. Or maybe that's just what I think. In the end, it was a very exciting impromptu, that included me in your plan and nobody else. And this really is a rarity because if it were last time, we always had company when I wanted you only. Nevertheless, today was a great day, we talked much, walked much, laughed much. And all these done together made us that much closer in so many ways which we may have not done in a very long time. There wasn't much uncomfortable silence, even if there were silences they were short and comfortable. I can remember that I did lots of laughing, and the pure happiness shines in my eyes, or that's how it felt. And the thing that you were actually trying to see my life from my point when you wanted to borrow and read the type of books that I was interested in, the same way I get when I am interested in your language, as well as the songs that you listen too. And then there was the time when we talked and it was so cute. As well as when you bumped into me, on purpose, I don't know, but all I know was the numerous time had me feeling tingly that I knew I had to stop, otherwise I wouldn't know what I would have done. Though I really wished I could grab you and finally feel what it was like to have a little bit of you, be with a little bit of me. I can tell you that I liked it, but I had to stop it, because I felt a little clumsy with the way we walked and felt like I was an intrusion to you. But I can tell you on my side, there was much electricity and heat that I felt whenever we hit contact. I was really me, I think I scared you when I laughed so much, or the way I talked when I was trying to be in denial, or when I smile at you and had lots and lots and lots of expressions on my face, but all I can say was that I didn't hide much of myself, and I gave you me. I wished that something more had happened, but even though it didn't it can be considered a blessing already as you had me go out with you, alone, all of a sudden and that you were also you as well. No hidden identity, no camera shy moments, just you and sincerity. In the cinema, I swear that it really felt that you were comfortable with me and the spot that we touched, it definitely was warm and electrified. I say that I'm happy we grew in so many ways, in terms of digging into the past as well when we just sat there and talked. It is also these things that make it more special. Because it is these moments that can bring us closer and closer. It's like the beginning of something more yet to come. We talked about so many things that I know in so many ways means more to me than it may sound to anybody else, and it is these that unites us into one. All in all, a happy and memorable day for me, though I can't say the same for you. And I can definitely say that we are much more closer than before in so many ways, it's even hard for me to explain.

There Are These Moments : 周杰伦

I never really liked him before. And it was you that made me learn to love his songs. And on such emo days as today, I'm listening to his songs and I can't help thinking about you and how because you loved him, I made it an effort to listen to his songs. And I am glad I did, because his songs are really beautiful. Sad as well. Works well for how it feels right now. I know that I have happy things that you may have done to me that should be good enough, but it really upsets me that I couldn't be there, wasn't the one, bu neng pei ni. I know you would never understand how it feels, its also really a first for me. I can't believe for the first time I can't really sleep because of this. I'm usually upset and everything but I know that it would soon be solve. I know that this thing too will pass, it's just that when I think back I feel like why, why did it happen. You know there are so many things that I have done to help make us closer, and go ahead you can call me a noob because I really am new at this, I have never done this before, and maybe never felt this way so strongly before, so everything is new to me, even jealousy. It's as if its much stronger and much more meaningful now. I know I shouldn't get wrapped up in it all but I just can't help feeling that way, and the tears, wow, they roll. And because of that, I'm starting to feel sleepy. Hopefully I can fall asleep now. Maybe tomorrow would be a better day and things will not be so dramatic as it apparently was. I can wish that it didn't happen, but I know deep down it did, all I can hope is just that someday ni ke yi zai wo shen bian.

There Are These Moments : Unofficial First

So the unofficial first, as declared by my besties, happened to be the day before I was suppose to fly back for break. And as the title suggests, it really was an unofficial thing. I did not plan it at all. All I wanted to do was go and exchange some items before it expires and I had to do so before I left and as we were suppose to meet up the, with a suggestion from my bestie a night before, I asked you to accompany me to the mall and surprisingly you agreed. Time wasn't always for me, you kept it most of the time for your friends and I was in fact surprised that you were even free as expected you to go out with you friends. But it wasn't to say that I was not glad to be able to spend some time with you before we part for a whole month! 2 weeks were tough, you can't even imagine a month! Not that we were official or anything, and I know that it was wholly one sided( or that's what I think, it is yet to be confirmed) but it really was a great pain especially after spending so much time together I felt like I have known you a great deal greater. Come to think of it, when I think back to the day when I first saw you I really did not expect that we come to what we are this day, it really surprised me and gave me hope that life is in fact really full of surprises and never underestimate it as you may wake up one day and find that the least expected thing could very well be happening to you as it has happened to me. I know that this kind of opportunity does not happen very often, to be truthful, in fact it has never happen to me before so everything that we are experiencing is a first and maybe that is what makes it all so much more special. Then the day started with us in the piano room, and that moment to me was very special indeed, in fact the whole day was, but to highlight some parts, I can truly say that spending time with you in there was special especially when people kept looking in and the frustrated you was saying that they have never seen such a handsome and beautiful girl before. Personally I do not buy that you meant that, no offense but I don' t think that anybody especially you have thought of me that way. So in all fairness I think you only said that because it seemed the fairest thing to say. It may be true, that you meant it, but just incase, I would think of it as not true, but I still am happy that you could even think of saying such a thing, so to be fair to you, I'm glad you did it. The whole day was like a dream, it was as if I was just floating through it, you being you and me just being me, the real me, not the pretend me or the me that I have to hold up when I am around some other people, being slightly transparent so that people can connect to me and yet not entirely transparent to ensure that people do not know too much things about me. But around you it didn't feel like I needed to keep that composure, maybe in the beginning I did, but the more I got to know you, the more I let down my guard and I became who I was, like what I liked and just be able to spend some quality time with you. I know you may not know it now, but in time I hope that you can understand what I'm trying to say and what I may mean. At the beginning I thought that the day was only going to be a half day thing where we would have our lunch and head back. It was exciting to me, the thought of being able to go to the cinema with you but I did not voice that opinion. However, it seemed to me that you had the same idea too, so we decided to check out the screenings. First time we went, and it seemed that my hopes were dashed. But I comforted myself quickly with the thought that this day has been great with what little time spent, and at least we were together. We had lunch and I was talking non stop like as if we were the best of friends. I was really afraid that I was too fast for you, making you confuse but when I think again, it felt like as long as I was there, it was great. That was what I thought, not that I can read into your mind can I? So we really got to know each other, a little about our histories and such and you suggested once more to check out the movies, I didn't mind (of course that meant more time spent together didn't it?) and before I know it we were sitting next to each other in an action movie that I personally felt was not bad, though I must say I am very open minded so I really didn't mind watching these kind of movies which was great because it tells you that I am not your typical girl. The greatest part was that it seemed that both of us secretly agreed that we do not want to go back so early and that we wanted to spend as much time as we can, which in the end was the whole day. My supposedly half day spent with you was now prolonged and that was all there is, need I say more? My initial thought was that we would spend some time together but not much, I didn't expect the day to go on so well that we were spending so much time, just the two of us. Many things happened, and one of it was when you kept picking up frog items which I find cute, so I asked you why you do it and you said that the colour was nice. This coming from you, the person I liked, and as I myself sometimes like frogs because of its colour, it was an honour to hear you feel the same way too. Basically the only reason why I like them is their colour, is it the same for you? Coincidence much? After the movie, we went shopping before dinner as we were not hungry yet, and to my surprise I was very much treated like someone special where you kept asking me to help you choose and to see if it was okay. Like my opinion mattered, and in the end most of your choices were also thanks to me, was it on purpose as you knew I would like it? Or do you sincerely like it too? I guess I will never know. But I was glad, and was happy as it made me feel like someone special to be able to go shopping with you and to make decisions together as if it were perfectly normal for us to do so. Dinner time and it was quite upsetting for me because I knew that it was coming to an end, so maybe I was a little out of place and unsorted. Later on we met some friends, one you were close to and the other was sort of close to me, so we started talking and my friend which you also knew started chattering away as he usually does and out of the corner of my eye, maybe it did not happen but it felt like it did, and you we're sort of keeping an eye on us as you were talking. I kind of regretted talking so much to my friend, made me feel like I was abandoning you or something, my deepest apology, but at the same time it sort of gave me a chance to slightly peek into what you were thinking. I was quite upset when you did not sit beside me and instead sat with your friend, but I did not want to add oil to the fire by being close to my friend so I kept my distance, but I was glad when you decided to change places and in the end sat nearby where we could still be in each other's presence. I tried not to talk too much, tried not to smile too much, tried not to give the biggest reactions so as to not make you feel that I treated everyone the same, in fact I only saved my sincerest expressions for someone as special as you. Maybe someday you will know, but I know that you wouldn't now. A funny thing happened when much later and we were talking about some things when you brought up the topic on whether I was close to that friend of mine and I just denied by saying that he was a very much a talker and you can't really expect me to not respond right? It was not ethically right if I jus ignored him, and he is one heck of a talker, sometimes I feel like I can't breathe. So it was rather a surprise that you were in some sort of way affected by him and that maybe just maybe you were a little jealous of him? Were you? The night ended far quicker than expected, I wished I could start the day again to preserve the memory that we had, but as we all know, all good things have to come to an end as well. Besides, there will be new memories for us to create and more good things to look forward to isn't it? Needless to say I was very affected that night, happy, ecstatic and at the same time in sorrow, not willing to let go, whether of you or the night or just the happiness of it all, or maybe its just a combination of it all. A little insight to the last detail of the night, I remembered you that you brought up the event when we first knew each other and you did not notice my other friends being there, and the other important addition, when you switched your occupied hand to the other, leaving the one closest to me unoccupied and I thought that something may have happened and although it did not, it made me feel as if that there could have been. Maybe you just needed more time to think and that you needed to straighten out your very messed up head before jumping head first into something that you too are not very sure off. So that is in fact the unofficial first which has been simplified to important areas, I know to some it is a pain to read such a long article, however a big bravo to those that came to the end. Before I receive curses, I might as well end now.

There Are These Moments : 7 minutes and a smiley.

So the important 7 minutes of my life, or to be exact, 6 minutes and 59 seconds was spent talking with you on the phone. It really made me feel special that day. Although 7 minutes is somewhat little as compared to the other times where you may have talked more to your friends that you are comfortable with, these 7 minutes meant a lot to me. It is the first time we talked so much especially since a call because most of the time we just message and even then you were always brief, and although it was purely things that have to do with classes and stuff, I felt proud that you felt comfortable enough with me to talk about the bad day that you had and how much you disliked it. It made me feel proud that you would think of me as someone you wouldn't mind sharing your day with and that really made me feel special. Later on you called a few more times, each something to do with work and stuff, not much personal matters but still a few, as it would be hard to escape some. There was even once where you actually wanted me to accompany you the whole day as you were afraid it would be tiring and since it was my fault you wanted me to be 'tortured' by following you especially as I was not as busy as you are. But I knew you were just teasing me and that you didn't mean it, but it made me think that I was important enough to you and that I may mean something if you wanted to spend the whole day with me with instructions to chat with you as well. Then there were the excessive messages that we ping pong-ed back and forth with a little bit of personal matters about our day and our experiences and when you finally ended it, I was a little disappointed but glas at the same time that we have talked so much and that you were clearly interested in getting us together which I though would not have happened at all as you were not that interested at the beginning. But when you were so frustrated about the timetable and stuff I sort of thought that maybe after all you wanted to, and that it was very hard for you to please so many at once. In the end I thought that we were not fated to be together but I was proven wrong when you at last changed and we are would now see much much more of each other. I messaged, you replied, but it didn't stop there, you continued to chat, it was like I was the comfort to your sleepless night, warm and stuffy. It felt great being able to be the one to keep you company, even if it meant talking about boring stuff related solely towards the academic segment of our lives. And when I thought it all ended with me saying goodnight, as it usually does, you surprised me when you replied a half an hour later saying goodnight with a smiley, which you never do (believe me, I checked) and I was really taken aback. So off to bed I went, with a smile on my face, thinking that you must have felt happy too at that time and I was glad that it was me. It may not be, but then again, is it wrong for me to think so?

There Are These Moments : 唯一

Another one of my 'memories' post, again please forgive me for the boredom, but it feels good to be able to remember these moments and to jot it down. Even if things do not work out the way I wished it would, at least I would have these happy events to put in my little pocket and to remind me of those good times that I have actually had.

So for starters, this may sound totally freakish and weird but I dreamt of you once, totally random, it wasn't one of those fantasies that I would usually imagine up in my head, this one, it actually felt like I was really dreaming. So the first (or maybe even the second, if the first time I saw you was the one where you sat a few seats in front of me) time that I saw you was at that event, and after that night, I really was hoping against all odds that I'd be able to see you again, but I knew that this was not a small town, we could very well not have seen each other again. But a girl can hope right. So off to bed i went that night and i dreamt of something so meaningful to me. Out of all wonderful places I do not have a single idea why it would have been this place, which if I was not mistaken was a karaoke place or something of that sort whereby it was my special day (most probably birthday) and you were about to dedicate a song to me. And much to my surprise, of all songs, 'you' chose 唯一. I remembered feeling so touched and special that someone like you, you know that it means so much to me when you say that I am your one and only. That was when I knew that this song was sort of ours. But of course, only in my dreams.

Never did I expect you to do what you did a few weeks later. We were just hanging out, and you were checking out my songs, and that as we were scrolling through, you decided to pick 唯一 and you said in a joking manner that you were the composer of that song. So why of all songs did you pick that one? Especially as it was the one that I had a 'relationship' with, if I could put it that way(haha). Hmm, I still wonder really, maybe someday you can tell me, whether it was unintentional, and what you did was in fact fate trying to tell us that maybe in this crazy world of ours, that this could actually mean something, a possibility.

There Are These Moments : i can't tell you

You know there are many times that you feel you are not good enough, but did you know that to me you are everything? you are the most good looking guy, i can even say that you are hot. or at least you are to me. and your personality? i just keep falling more and more deeply in love with you, the more and more i get to know you.but then again, what makes my opinion special right? i mean who bothers?

I still can't ignore the thing that you said to me, when you thought I thought you not good looking, but you gotta excuse me right, i can't be telling you yea you know what, i think u are the hottest person to me. but i can't, cos that would be just crazy and i really don't wanna know what will happen because most of the time it's bad. But I was touched when I said that my opinion didn't matter to you, and you that it was important. Wow.

There Are These Moments : test

Still remember the day when we sat for that test? It was the night before when we were playing around and I was just jokingly asking if I could sit with you so that I may copy. At that time I really was jus playing around because I knew that there was no chance for us. Little did I know it actually came true, still shocks me until now whenever I think back. I can remember that day very clearly, how you were so kind and caring for me, really made me feel like I was the only one receiving such treatment. It all started when we all were entering the hall, before that you reminded me once more to go into the hall with you, and true to your word you actually waited for me to enter the hall together, searched for a place with your friends, and when we thought that we had to skip a spot, you actually sat with me a row behind your friends, you could always not bother about me right? Then seeing as nobody followed the rule of the hall, you asked if I wanted to sit with your friends, there were no objections so we went ahead. But if we were to sit there without adjustments, we would have been separated, so when you asked your friend to move to the left, leaving 2 spaces available side-by-side, I was shocked that you cared so much to even bother asking you friend to move a seat just so we could sit together. Then during the whole test, you were so kind and you checked up on me, making sure that I was okay, and even helping me towards the end. Such a happy day, one that I'll always remember.

There Are These Moments : 30cents

30cents. I find that there may not be as many things that can be bought with 30cents nowadays. Must be the fact that the changes of time is affecting us in many ways such as the increase of prices. But I'm not here to talk about the value and prices and whatnot, I'm here reminiscing the day you called me out for a movie, and a very significant 30cents was one of the highlights of the day. Maybe to some, you spending that little almost negligible sum of money on me is somewhat stupid, and some may even consider me a joke for remembering such a nonsensical event, but I can't help feeling special in some ways. Maybe it was because you were so caring, to ask me if I wanted to go to the ladies, and taking me there, paying for me. Although these were small gestures, it made me feel like there is something there, something different in the way you treated me as compared to others. Take that instance when Lily went to the ladies and you were just, you know, oh okay, go ahead. So you knew that she wanted to go, but didn't bother about the fact that maybe her motive was to also get you to say 'oh okay, let's all go together' or something along those lines or even maybe offering to go along just to ensure her safety because believe me, one can never be too careful. So here's the thing. I felt that the way you treated me was extra special compared to others. But I don't know if it's true. All I can say is you are special to me, and every time I have 30cents, it just reminds me of the how sweet you were to me, not too long ago, and I will always cherish the things that you have done for me, even as small as 30cents, maybe, really there is something more and there is only one way to find out, we wait.

There Are These Moments : jacket

The one item when I see reminds me so much of you and the time we had together. Your jacket brings me lots of memories. Just that day, Sanyz had her boyfriend's one with her and that distinct memory that I had with you all came flashing back. The time when we were in the theatre and you were sitting on my left. I actually 'forgot' to bring my jacket, but I didn't complain or whatsoever. Funny thing was I actually thought that you were not going to do anything as the movie was ending, and just when I thought no, nothing's gonna happen, you came and ask me if I was cold. So sweet! You could always not bother about me, even with the fact that I was trying to hint something there, if you didn't care about me, you wouldn't have bothered much about me right? Then you passed to me your jacket, and with difficulty, I opened it slightly, while paying attention to the movie we were watching. Watching out for me, you asked if I could open it as you saw me struggling with your jacket, and then you took it from me, un-zipped it almost smoothly, and passed it back to me once again. Sigh.. makes me melt every time I remember that moment. I covered myself, wishing I didn't have to return it, and hoping that that moment could last forever. What a joy it was to be holding something that belonged to you, in my arms, just as if we had something special. Do we? Maybe we do......