There Are These Moments : 唯一

Another one of my 'memories' post, again please forgive me for the boredom, but it feels good to be able to remember these moments and to jot it down. Even if things do not work out the way I wished it would, at least I would have these happy events to put in my little pocket and to remind me of those good times that I have actually had.

So for starters, this may sound totally freakish and weird but I dreamt of you once, totally random, it wasn't one of those fantasies that I would usually imagine up in my head, this one, it actually felt like I was really dreaming. So the first (or maybe even the second, if the first time I saw you was the one where you sat a few seats in front of me) time that I saw you was at that event, and after that night, I really was hoping against all odds that I'd be able to see you again, but I knew that this was not a small town, we could very well not have seen each other again. But a girl can hope right. So off to bed i went that night and i dreamt of something so meaningful to me. Out of all wonderful places I do not have a single idea why it would have been this place, which if I was not mistaken was a karaoke place or something of that sort whereby it was my special day (most probably birthday) and you were about to dedicate a song to me. And much to my surprise, of all songs, 'you' chose 唯一. I remembered feeling so touched and special that someone like you, you know that it means so much to me when you say that I am your one and only. That was when I knew that this song was sort of ours. But of course, only in my dreams.

Never did I expect you to do what you did a few weeks later. We were just hanging out, and you were checking out my songs, and that as we were scrolling through, you decided to pick 唯一 and you said in a joking manner that you were the composer of that song. So why of all songs did you pick that one? Especially as it was the one that I had a 'relationship' with, if I could put it that way(haha). Hmm, I still wonder really, maybe someday you can tell me, whether it was unintentional, and what you did was in fact fate trying to tell us that maybe in this crazy world of ours, that this could actually mean something, a possibility.

There Are These Moments : i can't tell you

You know there are many times that you feel you are not good enough, but did you know that to me you are everything? you are the most good looking guy, i can even say that you are hot. or at least you are to me. and your personality? i just keep falling more and more deeply in love with you, the more and more i get to know you.but then again, what makes my opinion special right? i mean who bothers?

I still can't ignore the thing that you said to me, when you thought I thought you not good looking, but you gotta excuse me right, i can't be telling you yea you know what, i think u are the hottest person to me. but i can't, cos that would be just crazy and i really don't wanna know what will happen because most of the time it's bad. But I was touched when I said that my opinion didn't matter to you, and you that it was important. Wow.

There Are These Moments : test

Still remember the day when we sat for that test? It was the night before when we were playing around and I was just jokingly asking if I could sit with you so that I may copy. At that time I really was jus playing around because I knew that there was no chance for us. Little did I know it actually came true, still shocks me until now whenever I think back. I can remember that day very clearly, how you were so kind and caring for me, really made me feel like I was the only one receiving such treatment. It all started when we all were entering the hall, before that you reminded me once more to go into the hall with you, and true to your word you actually waited for me to enter the hall together, searched for a place with your friends, and when we thought that we had to skip a spot, you actually sat with me a row behind your friends, you could always not bother about me right? Then seeing as nobody followed the rule of the hall, you asked if I wanted to sit with your friends, there were no objections so we went ahead. But if we were to sit there without adjustments, we would have been separated, so when you asked your friend to move to the left, leaving 2 spaces available side-by-side, I was shocked that you cared so much to even bother asking you friend to move a seat just so we could sit together. Then during the whole test, you were so kind and you checked up on me, making sure that I was okay, and even helping me towards the end. Such a happy day, one that I'll always remember.

There Are These Moments : 30cents

30cents. I find that there may not be as many things that can be bought with 30cents nowadays. Must be the fact that the changes of time is affecting us in many ways such as the increase of prices. But I'm not here to talk about the value and prices and whatnot, I'm here reminiscing the day you called me out for a movie, and a very significant 30cents was one of the highlights of the day. Maybe to some, you spending that little almost negligible sum of money on me is somewhat stupid, and some may even consider me a joke for remembering such a nonsensical event, but I can't help feeling special in some ways. Maybe it was because you were so caring, to ask me if I wanted to go to the ladies, and taking me there, paying for me. Although these were small gestures, it made me feel like there is something there, something different in the way you treated me as compared to others. Take that instance when Lily went to the ladies and you were just, you know, oh okay, go ahead. So you knew that she wanted to go, but didn't bother about the fact that maybe her motive was to also get you to say 'oh okay, let's all go together' or something along those lines or even maybe offering to go along just to ensure her safety because believe me, one can never be too careful. So here's the thing. I felt that the way you treated me was extra special compared to others. But I don't know if it's true. All I can say is you are special to me, and every time I have 30cents, it just reminds me of the how sweet you were to me, not too long ago, and I will always cherish the things that you have done for me, even as small as 30cents, maybe, really there is something more and there is only one way to find out, we wait.

There Are These Moments : jacket

The one item when I see reminds me so much of you and the time we had together. Your jacket brings me lots of memories. Just that day, Sanyz had her boyfriend's one with her and that distinct memory that I had with you all came flashing back. The time when we were in the theatre and you were sitting on my left. I actually 'forgot' to bring my jacket, but I didn't complain or whatsoever. Funny thing was I actually thought that you were not going to do anything as the movie was ending, and just when I thought no, nothing's gonna happen, you came and ask me if I was cold. So sweet! You could always not bother about me, even with the fact that I was trying to hint something there, if you didn't care about me, you wouldn't have bothered much about me right? Then you passed to me your jacket, and with difficulty, I opened it slightly, while paying attention to the movie we were watching. Watching out for me, you asked if I could open it as you saw me struggling with your jacket, and then you took it from me, un-zipped it almost smoothly, and passed it back to me once again. Sigh.. makes me melt every time I remember that moment. I covered myself, wishing I didn't have to return it, and hoping that that moment could last forever. What a joy it was to be holding something that belonged to you, in my arms, just as if we had something special. Do we? Maybe we do......

There Are These Moments : i'm your conversations?

Basically, it amazes me that I am part of your conversations with your friends.. Like that time when we were just friends and I was starting to hang out with your friends, you told them that I don't really know how to speak Mandarin, which is funny because you know, it feels weird that I was part of a conversation before.

Then that day, once again, I was talking to your friend and she told me that you were telling her that I played the piano. Made me think once again, am i part of some of your conversations? Do you speak of me because you think of me? That's a nice thought really, makes me feel as if I am special. Am I?

There Are These Moments : a brief introduction

okay, a brief introduction should have been the first post, but since the formality does not apply to blogs and I would like to be different, so it shall be my second post! haha..

Basically, I'm here to write about these moments that we have had together, to remember it in detail as I feel that, although I have said that there are times before I met you that were sweet (with other people that is) but I don't know why I feel different with you, as if the times we had is much much sweeter as compared to the other memories that I have had. And the way you treat me, its much better and different when I compare with others. If I thought that there was something going on last time when I was younger, the way you treat me now is so very different when I compare with them. Even now, the way you treat me, hmm, I kind of feel its different. Anyway, not to worry I'm here to document these sweet memories just in case i forget them.

Even if things don't work between us, I'll take it as memories of us as friends, a chapter in my life that HAPPENED and just for me to enjoy the feeling I had when I was around you.

Though these memories are not in chronological order, these posts will be as randomly as I am. Stick around to find our more! =)

There Are These Moments : august 6

That's the first time we had a real conversation. One that lasted more than 5 minutes. I remembered the clown I was, when Sanyz told me you just went into the room next door. Knowing that you would come out soon, I stayed in the room while I waited for the signal from Sanyz to come on out. A few moments later as you walked out, I came out too, pretending as if it was a coincidence for us to meet and there was that moment for us to chat, and to get to know each other a little better.

We started talking about the normal things and what surprised me was the fact that you knew so many things about me. The fact that you actually bothered to remember and to know me, that still amazes me until today. This is the first sweet memory that happened between us two and it is something that I would like to remember, never to forget.

You knew things like where I was from, if you weren't interested you wouldn't have bothered to remember that the first time we met at a small gathering where we were separated into groups of 'where we were from'. You even knew how to spell my name. This happened the first time we exchanged phone numbers. Quite a surprise really, for many will spell my name incorrectly.

The fact that you actually walked with us to the bus stop instead of with you friends was a huge surprise! Though there were doubts of you being friends with me, maybe you had something up your sleeve, but the fact remains that it was to me that you talked, you couldn't even remember my friend's name. Say you were after her, wouldn't she be the name that you would remember? Am I not right? So there you go for There Are These Moments.

As of today

As of today, I would be updating my blog more often. If time permits, I may update it everyday, otherwise it would be a weekly update.

On to the more important reason as to why I want to update my blog more frequently is that I would like to jot down the important memories that I have as a way of remembering what we have gone through so far. Though we may not be together, we may look upon the times we had together some day and I would like to take this chance to keep this memory alive. As the hours are restricting the time I have here, I shall continue this another time, till then, au revoir!

Why do you want to know me?

The distance has been killing me. I don't know if this is something good or bad, but what I do know is that even when I was there, although I can't be with you always, the thought of being quite close to you keeps me sane. Now that we're an ocean a part, it drives me crazy. I miss you so very much, at the same time I can't keep you out of my mind. I think of you all the time, sometimes positive when I tell myself that a lot of things that you have done is pointing to the positive end, while at times I start going mad when I tell myself that the possibility to that is nil, that it's just a game, something with no possibilities. Yes, I know that I have to radiate positive energy to encourage this, but I can't help it at times when I find that I'm just being used, you don't care about me no more, and everything that you have done before is nothing but just a thing you think should be fun to play with. Let me tell you it's no fun at all. I miss you like crazy, but I can't tell you because I'm so afraid of the outcome. I want to ask you, 'Why was it that you wanted to be friends with me?' because I'm curious to know why someone like you would want to get to know someone like me. Deep down, though I try to tell myself its not true, I can't help but wonder if you getting to know me is the key for you to get something that you want, though I can't think at all what that reason may be. But if in fact, you really do, I wish you would tell me soon enough. Because the things that I have played again and again in my head is absolutely driving me crazy! Then when I think back to all those times that you were so sweet to me, getting to know me, taking care of me, that's when I realize that this can all only boil down to one thing and that is you really really, from the bottom of your heart, want to get to know me. For the first time in my life, someone wants to get to know me. Most of the time it'd be like how your friends are with me, they only talk to me because you are friends with me. That's how I usually end up being friends with a guy so it was a total shock when you wanted to get to know me, actually taking time to talk to me and to get to know me better. Is this true? Or was this all just a lie, something that I read too much into?

Part 3 : It's a first, I hope it's not the last.

This never happened before. Guys, they don't come and be friends with me. It's more like I'm friends with them because my friend is friends with them.

So when you started talking to me, knowing my name, just wanting to get to know me, that really was something different. I never got that. And maybe to others this isn't something special, maybe to them they feel it's stupid, but to me it's not stupid, it means something right? Or at least I hope it does. Sometimes I feel like maybe just maybe this is something real, that this is true and I try my very best to put in all those positive energy that many have told me to do, and I really hope that in doing so, it just might happen. This is the first, and I hope it's not the last.

Part 2

You've got me really hanging by the thread. At any moment, it might break and I may fall and at the same time, you seem to be holding on. It's like you're there to catch me if I fall, but you're also lost when it seems like everything's not going to be okay, and I have no one else to count on. I know it seems crazy, but it really was too good too be true that someone like you can seem to like me too. Many may tell me that this is not true, that it's not impossible for something like this to happen to someone like me. And at times I start to believe it's true.For quite sometime now, it seemed like I was no one. We talk much much lesser than before which depicts the part of me almost falling to the ground, then we have something totally a 180 degree change.Take yesterday when you told me that you felt that something was out of line, and you actually messaged me about it. Which is something that one would not do, unless I was your best friend or some sort. Which I'm not. So what can it be? Why tell me this if I don't mean anything to you right? Then there is this thing, a little bird told me that maybe it was because of me, that I was leaving, that left you in such a state. Is it true? Or maybe just maybe without you knowing it, you felt that way because I wasn't going to be there, but it's not like you know it, you just feel it. Crazy right? I guess it's just a little bit too much of storybook reading that got me thinking such. Add a little fairy tale and voila, this is what you get, crazy thinking. Hah!

Part 1

What happened? Did I make you angry? What is it? How come you don't find me as often as you did before? Why did you suddenly choose now? I mean like, when we see each other face to face, it still feels like everything is okay. But is it? Because I'm really confused with what you're thinking. When I think back on all those things that you said to me, I feel that you wouldn't have said it if you didn't mean it. Like remembering that I played the piano,

and there's the way when you looked at me that day, it wasn't as if you were looking for me, but when you did, it felt like as if you looked at me with such longing that made me so embarass to look at you.

朋有, sweet memories.

我有一个梦想，就是真正的爱找我。And i should have known, that it wouldn't be you. I know that a positive attitude can then bring about a positive end result, but I can't help feeling that I'm just lying to myself, feeling like a fool to believe that there was a possibility. 是没有可能。 我知道。

Someone advised me to start as friends, take your time, don't rush, I know that I should, and I am doing that right? But whatever it is I try to tell myself many many times that that should be the way, I still can't help feeling that the gap and distance gets wider everyday and me and you just don't belong.

In the beginning, it seems like this can't go wrong, I did doubt you, but my speculations were cleared and I really thought that this was right. Memories of you still cloud my mind everyday, and I'm still in disbelief with the fact that so many things seem to point to the fact that maybe in the end there is a chance. Take a week ago, when what I thought was a joke, turned out to be real and you took your time to ensure that I was with you, to guide me and to take care of me when I was lost in the presence of others that I do not know with the fact that you actually made sure I was with you by even asking one to move where both of us could then be together. If as friends, I doubt that you'd do that, taking care of me, ensuring I was okay, you could have just dump me with your friends, without a care what would happen to me, and not bother at all where I was, doing what. We even shared something when it is clear that you could have shared it with others, but you still chose me. Every night, you were the one that started it, to find me. You said so many sweet things, made it clear to me that you could sing, but you couldn't if I was looking at you. If we were friends, then singing in front of me would not be a problem, but if it were more than that, then it'd be hard because it would be shy to sing in front of someone you liked. Its as if you're trying to say to me, would you fall for me the way you fell for that star? Told me you wanted to be in the same place when we die, told me about your family, asked of mine, told me about your past, something I'm sure you're not proud of announcing it to the world, asked when I was cold and gave me something warm, made me feel comfortable with you, like everything we say will just be between us, so many things that I treasure and for the first time in my life, feel special. Feel as if that this can happen to me too. Am I being surreal? Or can finally something this special happen to me too? Someone told me that when you speak to me, your tone is different and that it was only for me, and when I thought back, it seemed true. The way you smiled at me and when I smiled back, it was as if we had an unspoken secret between us. I'd like to think that this is just the beginning of something very special. Maybe just maybe, you're playing the game with me, seeing if I feel the same way for you, the way you feel for me.

爱不爱都痛

Just when I thought that this was something different, something nice, something good.

I was wrong. I was fooled. I was played. And I lost.

You win. People like you you always win. Why didn't I trust my instincts? Why did I have to be so stupid? Why did you have to make me fall down so hard so badly, so blindly without care?

I started to fall in love with who you are. Day by day as I get to know you better, I fall for your personality. You're fun to be with. You're nice. You're funny. You're someone special and I thought we had something going on. But I was wrong. Why must this happen to me? Why'd you have to do this to me?

I know that there would be no chance at all. No chance for me, but I would just like to think that I stand a better chance and in the end, you'll fall for me the way I have fallen for you. We're best friends and that's where it starts!

It takes time.

To feel this way, I bet that everyone has gone through what I'm going through one way or another before. At times I can't help but wish that I wasn't so far away, away from my home, my bed, my family, my friends, my life. To see what goes on on the other side is like looking at the television where one can only wish to be there but never actually being able to make it. I know that everything I say or do when I am here, feeling this way would only get feedbacks that goes like it's okay, it's gonna be fine. But deep down, I just wish that there was someone out there that can just tell me they know what I'm going through, and just hold me tight and make everything alright.
At times it feels like everything is gonna be okay. I can get through this and I'm going to make it. But sometimes I wish that I didn't have to do this, I wanna go home and be trapped in that nice sense of comfort.

Clearly it doesn't mean anything to you

If you could see me now, or if you knew how I felt maybe you'd take a little time and think bout what you did.

It's not to say that I'm not completely not at fault here, I do admit that I was in a way wrong and to have hurt your feelings. I do apologize, I am sorry. But then again what do I get for doing good things and caring for you all these years? Nothing at all. Not even a thank you , not even a reply from the friend I thought you were. Well maybe I was wrong. Maybe I shouldn't have been so blind to succumb to your actions. Makes me feel like I'm such a fool. One that never learned her lesson.

Then again, I really wish that all this never happened. Why? Why me?

4 years of my life i spent thinking that you and I had something together to find out not too long ago that this feelings were untrue, fake, a lie. To make things worse after apologizing to you and feeling bad about it, you just had to ignore it and take it as if it was just a joke.

Nothing in that message did I indicate it as a joke.

Sometimes I feel so disappointed. Like the time when I told you I missed you and you never replied that, well, even though now that I finally realize why, I still wished that you felt the same way too. No matter how I might wish, it's just not gonna happen and I'll just have to live with that!

I don't know you

It seems that just yesterday, we met each other for the first time. But in fact, we have known each other for 5 years now, venturing into the 6th. Back in the days, you used to be such a good friend to me, not much of a gentleman, but yeah, I'll give you a little credit, you did take care of your friends at some times, most times, but not often enough. Nevertheless, you never failed to make me laugh, but you did make me cry, one too many times.

Happy memories of us just clouds my brain every time I think about that mistake you made. Times when you needed a shoulder to cry on, I was there. Times when you needed a helping hand, I was there. Times when you needed someone to take away your pain, I was there. Times that you needed that extra care, I was there, and these times were made extra special because out of many others I was the one you chose. I still don't understand why you ever did gave me hope and sent signals of mixed feelings. For one thing, you never dampened my hopes instead you ignited it and made me believed that you too feel the same way I do. 3 years later I find out that I was wrong. I was misled, and not at all a choice. Maybe it was because I was there at a certain time and that was why you chose me, not because you thought that I was someone special to you. Even as you continue to love another, I couldn't stop myself from thinking that maybe with a little given time you would come to realize that I was there all along, waiting for you to make you're move. That day never came, and then i find myself making another mistake that I wish did not happen. Although a little good did come out of it, I finally moved on and had good memories too that I can cherish.

As time passed on and we live our lives, you find yourself stuck in darkness, in search of light, you found me and used me to guide you out of sorrow and grief. In return, there wasn't even a thank you said instead you made new friends and as for me, I was just left by the side, discarded and not cared for anymore. Not just me, but to many others too. Friends who helped you out so many times and this is what you do as a sign of gratitude. Now I feel as if I don't know you anymore, it's like a glass screen has been placed in between us. Everything you do now is influenced and it's not good either. Maybe it was a way for you to forget about your past thinking of the way you have been hurt.But have you ever thought then of the other people that you are hurting just from the way that you're acting. It is possible that this thought has never even crossed your mind isn't it? It's not something that I'd be surprised of, in fact it is something that is expected of someone as ungrateful and unappreciative as you. So what do we do now? You, yeah you, take some time and ponder upon what I've said, then tell me if anything that I've said is at all a mistake and then find the courage to tell it in my face.

A Slap in The Face

Who would have thought that someone like you can be as heartless as Frankenstein, as a zombie I'm sure that he would not have any feelings. Wait, let me rephrase that, I think even the heartless creature of Frankenstein would not be as heartless as you can be and imagine that, you as a human and he just a mere zombie.

I guess it's true when they say that love is blind. For me to fall in love with you and thinking that you felt the same way too, well it's quite stupid really when all you did was hint and not deny, but never did you once say that you did have a little interest in me at all. And there you have it the first signs of love IS blind.

The level of stupidity that I'm feeling now is so indescribable. I really really do wish that we never even knew each other then at least something this crazy wouldn't have happened to me.

When I saw what I saw this morning, it was like getting a slap in my face. Months and months ago this was what happened before and I was too foolish to realize that whether she did admit it to you what she felt, I should have known what she was thinking. That even if she never did tell you, but she actually felt the same way you do. Either that her woman's ego kept her from letting someone else sweep you off your feet, and while that is happening, you too realized that "here is an angel that I have loved for so long and this is my moment for she is listening to my heart", and that's when you decided to scar someone else's heart by making her believe that we had an equal relationship while all along your actions proved to be otherwise. From the looks of all it's circumstances, I might as well just congratulate on your success for making a fool out of me.

Some have said that I have been so foolish to have let you into my life, I thought that I was so in love and I actually believed that this time after it all this was the one that was going to work. Boy was I so wrong. To those that thought I was such a fool and an idiot , this is your time to pat me on the back and say "I told you so". But neither one of you will realize that inside I'm crumbling down. All the stupid mistakes that I did before I wish I can take it back. Keep it locked up n a box and never ever letting it out again, then at least I now that I won't get hurt once again. This will serve as a reminder to me to think before I act, to not judge a book by its cover and to never actually think that I can trust anything that men say.