Part 1

What happened? Did I make you angry? What is it? How come you don't find me as often as you did before? Why did you suddenly choose now? I mean like, when we see each other face to face, it still feels like everything is okay. But is it? Because I'm really confused with what you're thinking. When I think back on all those things that you said to me, I feel that you wouldn't have said it if you didn't mean it. Like remembering that I played the piano,

and there's the way when you looked at me that day, it wasn't as if you were looking for me, but when you did, it felt like as if you looked at me with such longing that made me so embarass to look at you.

朋有, sweet memories.

我有一个梦想，就是真正的爱找我。And i should have known, that it wouldn't be you. I know that a positive attitude can then bring about a positive end result, but I can't help feeling that I'm just lying to myself, feeling like a fool to believe that there was a possibility. 是没有可能。 我知道。

Someone advised me to start as friends, take your time, don't rush, I know that I should, and I am doing that right? But whatever it is I try to tell myself many many times that that should be the way, I still can't help feeling that the gap and distance gets wider everyday and me and you just don't belong.

In the beginning, it seems like this can't go wrong, I did doubt you, but my speculations were cleared and I really thought that this was right. Memories of you still cloud my mind everyday, and I'm still in disbelief with the fact that so many things seem to point to the fact that maybe in the end there is a chance. Take a week ago, when what I thought was a joke, turned out to be real and you took your time to ensure that I was with you, to guide me and to take care of me when I was lost in the presence of others that I do not know with the fact that you actually made sure I was with you by even asking one to move where both of us could then be together. If as friends, I doubt that you'd do that, taking care of me, ensuring I was okay, you could have just dump me with your friends, without a care what would happen to me, and not bother at all where I was, doing what. We even shared something when it is clear that you could have shared it with others, but you still chose me. Every night, you were the one that started it, to find me. You said so many sweet things, made it clear to me that you could sing, but you couldn't if I was looking at you. If we were friends, then singing in front of me would not be a problem, but if it were more than that, then it'd be hard because it would be shy to sing in front of someone you liked. Its as if you're trying to say to me, would you fall for me the way you fell for that star? Told me you wanted to be in the same place when we die, told me about your family, asked of mine, told me about your past, something I'm sure you're not proud of announcing it to the world, asked when I was cold and gave me something warm, made me feel comfortable with you, like everything we say will just be between us, so many things that I treasure and for the first time in my life, feel special. Feel as if that this can happen to me too. Am I being surreal? Or can finally something this special happen to me too? Someone told me that when you speak to me, your tone is different and that it was only for me, and when I thought back, it seemed true. The way you smiled at me and when I smiled back, it was as if we had an unspoken secret between us. I'd like to think that this is just the beginning of something very special. Maybe just maybe, you're playing the game with me, seeing if I feel the same way for you, the way you feel for me.

爱不爱都痛

Just when I thought that this was something different, something nice, something good.

I was wrong. I was fooled. I was played. And I lost.

You win. People like you you always win. Why didn't I trust my instincts? Why did I have to be so stupid? Why did you have to make me fall down so hard so badly, so blindly without care?

I started to fall in love with who you are. Day by day as I get to know you better, I fall for your personality. You're fun to be with. You're nice. You're funny. You're someone special and I thought we had something going on. But I was wrong. Why must this happen to me? Why'd you have to do this to me?

I know that there would be no chance at all. No chance for me, but I would just like to think that I stand a better chance and in the end, you'll fall for me the way I have fallen for you. We're best friends and that's where it starts!

It takes time.

To feel this way, I bet that everyone has gone through what I'm going through one way or another before. At times I can't help but wish that I wasn't so far away, away from my home, my bed, my family, my friends, my life. To see what goes on on the other side is like looking at the television where one can only wish to be there but never actually being able to make it. I know that everything I say or do when I am here, feeling this way would only get feedbacks that goes like it's okay, it's gonna be fine. But deep down, I just wish that there was someone out there that can just tell me they know what I'm going through, and just hold me tight and make everything alright.
At times it feels like everything is gonna be okay. I can get through this and I'm going to make it. But sometimes I wish that I didn't have to do this, I wanna go home and be trapped in that nice sense of comfort.

Clearly it doesn't mean anything to you

If you could see me now, or if you knew how I felt maybe you'd take a little time and think bout what you did.

It's not to say that I'm not completely not at fault here, I do admit that I was in a way wrong and to have hurt your feelings. I do apologize, I am sorry. But then again what do I get for doing good things and caring for you all these years? Nothing at all. Not even a thank you , not even a reply from the friend I thought you were. Well maybe I was wrong. Maybe I shouldn't have been so blind to succumb to your actions. Makes me feel like I'm such a fool. One that never learned her lesson.

Then again, I really wish that all this never happened. Why? Why me?

4 years of my life i spent thinking that you and I had something together to find out not too long ago that this feelings were untrue, fake, a lie. To make things worse after apologizing to you and feeling bad about it, you just had to ignore it and take it as if it was just a joke.

Nothing in that message did I indicate it as a joke.

Sometimes I feel so disappointed. Like the time when I told you I missed you and you never replied that, well, even though now that I finally realize why, I still wished that you felt the same way too. No matter how I might wish, it's just not gonna happen and I'll just have to live with that!

I don't know you

It seems that just yesterday, we met each other for the first time. But in fact, we have known each other for 5 years now, venturing into the 6th. Back in the days, you used to be such a good friend to me, not much of a gentleman, but yeah, I'll give you a little credit, you did take care of your friends at some times, most times, but not often enough. Nevertheless, you never failed to make me laugh, but you did make me cry, one too many times.

Happy memories of us just clouds my brain every time I think about that mistake you made. Times when you needed a shoulder to cry on, I was there. Times when you needed a helping hand, I was there. Times when you needed someone to take away your pain, I was there. Times that you needed that extra care, I was there, and these times were made extra special because out of many others I was the one you chose. I still don't understand why you ever did gave me hope and sent signals of mixed feelings. For one thing, you never dampened my hopes instead you ignited it and made me believed that you too feel the same way I do. 3 years later I find out that I was wrong. I was misled, and not at all a choice. Maybe it was because I was there at a certain time and that was why you chose me, not because you thought that I was someone special to you. Even as you continue to love another, I couldn't stop myself from thinking that maybe with a little given time you would come to realize that I was there all along, waiting for you to make you're move. That day never came, and then i find myself making another mistake that I wish did not happen. Although a little good did come out of it, I finally moved on and had good memories too that I can cherish.

As time passed on and we live our lives, you find yourself stuck in darkness, in search of light, you found me and used me to guide you out of sorrow and grief. In return, there wasn't even a thank you said instead you made new friends and as for me, I was just left by the side, discarded and not cared for anymore. Not just me, but to many others too. Friends who helped you out so many times and this is what you do as a sign of gratitude. Now I feel as if I don't know you anymore, it's like a glass screen has been placed in between us. Everything you do now is influenced and it's not good either. Maybe it was a way for you to forget about your past thinking of the way you have been hurt.But have you ever thought then of the other people that you are hurting just from the way that you're acting. It is possible that this thought has never even crossed your mind isn't it? It's not something that I'd be surprised of, in fact it is something that is expected of someone as ungrateful and unappreciative as you. So what do we do now? You, yeah you, take some time and ponder upon what I've said, then tell me if anything that I've said is at all a mistake and then find the courage to tell it in my face.

A Slap in The Face

Who would have thought that someone like you can be as heartless as Frankenstein, as a zombie I'm sure that he would not have any feelings. Wait, let me rephrase that, I think even the heartless creature of Frankenstein would not be as heartless as you can be and imagine that, you as a human and he just a mere zombie.

I guess it's true when they say that love is blind. For me to fall in love with you and thinking that you felt the same way too, well it's quite stupid really when all you did was hint and not deny, but never did you once say that you did have a little interest in me at all. And there you have it the first signs of love IS blind.

The level of stupidity that I'm feeling now is so indescribable. I really really do wish that we never even knew each other then at least something this crazy wouldn't have happened to me.

When I saw what I saw this morning, it was like getting a slap in my face. Months and months ago this was what happened before and I was too foolish to realize that whether she did admit it to you what she felt, I should have known what she was thinking. That even if she never did tell you, but she actually felt the same way you do. Either that her woman's ego kept her from letting someone else sweep you off your feet, and while that is happening, you too realized that "here is an angel that I have loved for so long and this is my moment for she is listening to my heart", and that's when you decided to scar someone else's heart by making her believe that we had an equal relationship while all along your actions proved to be otherwise. From the looks of all it's circumstances, I might as well just congratulate on your success for making a fool out of me.

Some have said that I have been so foolish to have let you into my life, I thought that I was so in love and I actually believed that this time after it all this was the one that was going to work. Boy was I so wrong. To those that thought I was such a fool and an idiot , this is your time to pat me on the back and say "I told you so". But neither one of you will realize that inside I'm crumbling down. All the stupid mistakes that I did before I wish I can take it back. Keep it locked up n a box and never ever letting it out again, then at least I now that I won't get hurt once again. This will serve as a reminder to me to think before I act, to not judge a book by its cover and to never actually think that I can trust anything that men say.

Hating Me.

If you hate me, just don't talk to me. Don't pretend like we are okay.

At times you make me feel special and the other times are filled with hatred. Don't think I didn't see you shaking your head, I'm not blind, I'm not stupid, I know when it's time to say goodbye. 

Few, but Sweet

I wished i didn't have to see your face. The sight of you brought up a million and one emotions, some I wanted to feel and others, not very much. When I saw you today, I tried to cover up all emotions and thoughts, I wanted to forget you. But then I realized, the only way for me to do that is to not see you anymore. This is not possible. We go to the same place everyday. Soon, very soon, I might not have to see you at all, that is probably the most exciting news you've ever heard isn't it? When I see your friendly face talking and having fun, it makes me want to cry, but I hold it in, I know very well that I'm over you, so why do I get this emotions then? I wished I didn't love you before then at least I'd have that feeling I had with you before. You being so sweet, kind, and gentle. You being my friend, why did I have to go and spoil it? But then again I can't blame myself, because if I didn't do what I did then I'd never had experienced that fuzzy feeling when I saw you walking towards me, or how my heart would melt everytime they made fun of us but u didn't bother, or maybe that time when every movement you made made me feel as if you had eyes only for me. I think I was hallucinating, cause how's it possible that I felt that when now that I know you never really meant that. Sometimes if you took the chance and look at me you'd notice that I have on a small and silly smile, that must have been when I thought of you asking me questions about my love life, acting all interested in it, or how you made me laugh as you teased me like I was your sister or how you just used to be you. I know that now I feel upset and wished I hadn't done what I did, but I'm glad, in fact totally loving the fact that these few but sweet memories we had will always be kept in my heart. Whereas to you, I wouldn't be so sure about that.

Yesterday you broke my heart. Today you smashed it to bits.

What does it mean, your actions today?

You seem to tease me behind my back.

Makes me feel like it's all an act.

Tell me really what are your motives?

Cause sometimes I feel,

Like it wasn't enough for you

To play with my heart.

You'd like to take it and smash it to bits

To make me feel as if I did not exist.

Maybe that wouldn't have been that bad.

To not exist feels better than to be backstabbed.

That is even if you do get what I mean.