As of today

As of today, I would be updating my blog more often. If time permits, I may update it everyday, otherwise it would be a weekly update.

On to the more important reason as to why I want to update my blog more frequently is that I would like to jot down the important memories that I have as a way of remembering what we have gone through so far. Though we may not be together, we may look upon the times we had together some day and I would like to take this chance to keep this memory alive. As the hours are restricting the time I have here, I shall continue this another time, till then, au revoir!

Why do you want to know me?

The distance has been killing me. I don't know if this is something good or bad, but what I do know is that even when I was there, although I can't be with you always, the thought of being quite close to you keeps me sane. Now that we're an ocean a part, it drives me crazy. I miss you so very much, at the same time I can't keep you out of my mind. I think of you all the time, sometimes positive when I tell myself that a lot of things that you have done is pointing to the positive end, while at times I start going mad when I tell myself that the possibility to that is nil, that it's just a game, something with no possibilities. Yes, I know that I have to radiate positive energy to encourage this, but I can't help it at times when I find that I'm just being used, you don't care about me no more, and everything that you have done before is nothing but just a thing you think should be fun to play with. Let me tell you it's no fun at all. I miss you like crazy, but I can't tell you because I'm so afraid of the outcome. I want to ask you, 'Why was it that you wanted to be friends with me?' because I'm curious to know why someone like you would want to get to know someone like me. Deep down, though I try to tell myself its not true, I can't help but wonder if you getting to know me is the key for you to get something that you want, though I can't think at all what that reason may be. But if in fact, you really do, I wish you would tell me soon enough. Because the things that I have played again and again in my head is absolutely driving me crazy! Then when I think back to all those times that you were so sweet to me, getting to know me, taking care of me, that's when I realize that this can all only boil down to one thing and that is you really really, from the bottom of your heart, want to get to know me. For the first time in my life, someone wants to get to know me. Most of the time it'd be like how your friends are with me, they only talk to me because you are friends with me. That's how I usually end up being friends with a guy so it was a total shock when you wanted to get to know me, actually taking time to talk to me and to get to know me better. Is this true? Or was this all just a lie, something that I read too much into?

Part 3 : It's a first, I hope it's not the last.

This never happened before. Guys, they don't come and be friends with me. It's more like I'm friends with them because my friend is friends with them.

So when you started talking to me, knowing my name, just wanting to get to know me, that really was something different. I never got that. And maybe to others this isn't something special, maybe to them they feel it's stupid, but to me it's not stupid, it means something right? Or at least I hope it does. Sometimes I feel like maybe just maybe this is something real, that this is true and I try my very best to put in all those positive energy that many have told me to do, and I really hope that in doing so, it just might happen. This is the first, and I hope it's not the last.

Part 2

You've got me really hanging by the thread. At any moment, it might break and I may fall and at the same time, you seem to be holding on. It's like you're there to catch me if I fall, but you're also lost when it seems like everything's not going to be okay, and I have no one else to count on. I know it seems crazy, but it really was too good too be true that someone like you can seem to like me too. Many may tell me that this is not true, that it's not impossible for something like this to happen to someone like me. And at times I start to believe it's true.For quite sometime now, it seemed like I was no one. We talk much much lesser than before which depicts the part of me almost falling to the ground, then we have something totally a 180 degree change.Take yesterday when you told me that you felt that something was out of line, and you actually messaged me about it. Which is something that one would not do, unless I was your best friend or some sort. Which I'm not. So what can it be? Why tell me this if I don't mean anything to you right? Then there is this thing, a little bird told me that maybe it was because of me, that I was leaving, that left you in such a state. Is it true? Or maybe just maybe without you knowing it, you felt that way because I wasn't going to be there, but it's not like you know it, you just feel it. Crazy right? I guess it's just a little bit too much of storybook reading that got me thinking such. Add a little fairy tale and voila, this is what you get, crazy thinking. Hah!

Part 1

What happened? Did I make you angry? What is it? How come you don't find me as often as you did before? Why did you suddenly choose now? I mean like, when we see each other face to face, it still feels like everything is okay. But is it? Because I'm really confused with what you're thinking. When I think back on all those things that you said to me, I feel that you wouldn't have said it if you didn't mean it. Like remembering that I played the piano,

and there's the way when you looked at me that day, it wasn't as if you were looking for me, but when you did, it felt like as if you looked at me with such longing that made me so embarass to look at you.

朋有, sweet memories.

我有一个梦想，就是真正的爱找我。And i should have known, that it wouldn't be you. I know that a positive attitude can then bring about a positive end result, but I can't help feeling that I'm just lying to myself, feeling like a fool to believe that there was a possibility. 是没有可能。 我知道。

Someone advised me to start as friends, take your time, don't rush, I know that I should, and I am doing that right? But whatever it is I try to tell myself many many times that that should be the way, I still can't help feeling that the gap and distance gets wider everyday and me and you just don't belong.

In the beginning, it seems like this can't go wrong, I did doubt you, but my speculations were cleared and I really thought that this was right. Memories of you still cloud my mind everyday, and I'm still in disbelief with the fact that so many things seem to point to the fact that maybe in the end there is a chance. Take a week ago, when what I thought was a joke, turned out to be real and you took your time to ensure that I was with you, to guide me and to take care of me when I was lost in the presence of others that I do not know with the fact that you actually made sure I was with you by even asking one to move where both of us could then be together. If as friends, I doubt that you'd do that, taking care of me, ensuring I was okay, you could have just dump me with your friends, without a care what would happen to me, and not bother at all where I was, doing what. We even shared something when it is clear that you could have shared it with others, but you still chose me. Every night, you were the one that started it, to find me. You said so many sweet things, made it clear to me that you could sing, but you couldn't if I was looking at you. If we were friends, then singing in front of me would not be a problem, but if it were more than that, then it'd be hard because it would be shy to sing in front of someone you liked. Its as if you're trying to say to me, would you fall for me the way you fell for that star? Told me you wanted to be in the same place when we die, told me about your family, asked of mine, told me about your past, something I'm sure you're not proud of announcing it to the world, asked when I was cold and gave me something warm, made me feel comfortable with you, like everything we say will just be between us, so many things that I treasure and for the first time in my life, feel special. Feel as if that this can happen to me too. Am I being surreal? Or can finally something this special happen to me too? Someone told me that when you speak to me, your tone is different and that it was only for me, and when I thought back, it seemed true. The way you smiled at me and when I smiled back, it was as if we had an unspoken secret between us. I'd like to think that this is just the beginning of something very special. Maybe just maybe, you're playing the game with me, seeing if I feel the same way for you, the way you feel for me.

爱不爱都痛

Just when I thought that this was something different, something nice, something good.

I was wrong. I was fooled. I was played. And I lost.

You win. People like you you always win. Why didn't I trust my instincts? Why did I have to be so stupid? Why did you have to make me fall down so hard so badly, so blindly without care?

I started to fall in love with who you are. Day by day as I get to know you better, I fall for your personality. You're fun to be with. You're nice. You're funny. You're someone special and I thought we had something going on. But I was wrong. Why must this happen to me? Why'd you have to do this to me?

I know that there would be no chance at all. No chance for me, but I would just like to think that I stand a better chance and in the end, you'll fall for me the way I have fallen for you. We're best friends and that's where it starts!

It takes time.

To feel this way, I bet that everyone has gone through what I'm going through one way or another before. At times I can't help but wish that I wasn't so far away, away from my home, my bed, my family, my friends, my life. To see what goes on on the other side is like looking at the television where one can only wish to be there but never actually being able to make it. I know that everything I say or do when I am here, feeling this way would only get feedbacks that goes like it's okay, it's gonna be fine. But deep down, I just wish that there was someone out there that can just tell me they know what I'm going through, and just hold me tight and make everything alright.
At times it feels like everything is gonna be okay. I can get through this and I'm going to make it. But sometimes I wish that I didn't have to do this, I wanna go home and be trapped in that nice sense of comfort.

Clearly it doesn't mean anything to you

If you could see me now, or if you knew how I felt maybe you'd take a little time and think bout what you did.

It's not to say that I'm not completely not at fault here, I do admit that I was in a way wrong and to have hurt your feelings. I do apologize, I am sorry. But then again what do I get for doing good things and caring for you all these years? Nothing at all. Not even a thank you , not even a reply from the friend I thought you were. Well maybe I was wrong. Maybe I shouldn't have been so blind to succumb to your actions. Makes me feel like I'm such a fool. One that never learned her lesson.

Then again, I really wish that all this never happened. Why? Why me?

4 years of my life i spent thinking that you and I had something together to find out not too long ago that this feelings were untrue, fake, a lie. To make things worse after apologizing to you and feeling bad about it, you just had to ignore it and take it as if it was just a joke.

Nothing in that message did I indicate it as a joke.

Sometimes I feel so disappointed. Like the time when I told you I missed you and you never replied that, well, even though now that I finally realize why, I still wished that you felt the same way too. No matter how I might wish, it's just not gonna happen and I'll just have to live with that!

I don't know you

It seems that just yesterday, we met each other for the first time. But in fact, we have known each other for 5 years now, venturing into the 6th. Back in the days, you used to be such a good friend to me, not much of a gentleman, but yeah, I'll give you a little credit, you did take care of your friends at some times, most times, but not often enough. Nevertheless, you never failed to make me laugh, but you did make me cry, one too many times.

Happy memories of us just clouds my brain every time I think about that mistake you made. Times when you needed a shoulder to cry on, I was there. Times when you needed a helping hand, I was there. Times when you needed someone to take away your pain, I was there. Times that you needed that extra care, I was there, and these times were made extra special because out of many others I was the one you chose. I still don't understand why you ever did gave me hope and sent signals of mixed feelings. For one thing, you never dampened my hopes instead you ignited it and made me believed that you too feel the same way I do. 3 years later I find out that I was wrong. I was misled, and not at all a choice. Maybe it was because I was there at a certain time and that was why you chose me, not because you thought that I was someone special to you. Even as you continue to love another, I couldn't stop myself from thinking that maybe with a little given time you would come to realize that I was there all along, waiting for you to make you're move. That day never came, and then i find myself making another mistake that I wish did not happen. Although a little good did come out of it, I finally moved on and had good memories too that I can cherish.

As time passed on and we live our lives, you find yourself stuck in darkness, in search of light, you found me and used me to guide you out of sorrow and grief. In return, there wasn't even a thank you said instead you made new friends and as for me, I was just left by the side, discarded and not cared for anymore. Not just me, but to many others too. Friends who helped you out so many times and this is what you do as a sign of gratitude. Now I feel as if I don't know you anymore, it's like a glass screen has been placed in between us. Everything you do now is influenced and it's not good either. Maybe it was a way for you to forget about your past thinking of the way you have been hurt.But have you ever thought then of the other people that you are hurting just from the way that you're acting. It is possible that this thought has never even crossed your mind isn't it? It's not something that I'd be surprised of, in fact it is something that is expected of someone as ungrateful and unappreciative as you. So what do we do now? You, yeah you, take some time and ponder upon what I've said, then tell me if anything that I've said is at all a mistake and then find the courage to tell it in my face.